Interracial Family Organization

Maybe We Need a Secret Signal

// January 24th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Love and Happiness

In the past few months I have learned that You Tube is a hot bed for conversations, I mean rants, about people’s opinions about Interracial Relationships and biracial children. Who knew? I don’t think I realized how many people wanted to get their views out there or were even thinking about it. You Tube gives people the opportunity to put it out there, but not have a real conversation about what they are saying. It feels weird to know so many people sit around and talk about the differnt shades of color my family members are and how my family is either going to save the human race from ourselves, or tear down our society. It really hasn’t been THAT deep for us, and we are who they are talking about.

I find myself getting hammered in online conversations about what I don’t know about raising my children or about my relationships. Someone is always trying to school me. I don’t know and cannot teach my children anything about racism. They explain how I have created humans that will be confused about their identity forever. They explain to me that my husband has turned his back on his race, is a “Sell out”. And then the constant stereotypes of- He must beat and/or cheat on me. I hate my own race. I cannot attract a white man, so I date black. Our families disowned us. He is either is a ‘wanna be white’, or I am a ‘wanna be black’. We live in the inner city “ghetto”. Our relationship is dysfunctional. We are poor. We are uneducated.

That is funny. These people who know so much and feel it is there job to school me do not have as much experience in this as i do. I have been dating outside my race for over 25 years, since I was 15 years old. (Oh, lawd, that makes me sound old) I have 7 biracial children and have lived in the deep south so several years. I know a lot about being in an interracial relationship, I know a lot about raising biracial children, I know a lot of other IR couples and children. I will not learn something new from you. But, if you listen, you may learn something from me.

On to the hand signal part…

For the last 25 years I have belonged to a secret club that is for interracial couples, especially black men/white women. When ever I am out in public with my husband or family, and we see another couple or family that looks like us, there is an immediate acknowledgement that we see each other. A nod, a smile, a wave. When I found out a co-worker had a biracial child or was in an IR marriage, we instantly bonded. I have made friends with complete strangers walking past them on the street. I have made wonderful friendship online. My husband and I often comment, after going somewhere, how many other IR couples were there.

We want to see families that look like ours. We want to talk with people that share our experiences. Personally, all the negative stares and ugly comments are cancelled out by the community we have joined and the friends we have made.

I live in a large city that does have diversity. I understand many people do not. But, the Internet is now the new place to meet and talk to people you may not be able to find in your neighborhood. This is the reason behind the Interracial Family Organization. We do not always need to talk about race relations, but we have an opportunity to talk and listen to people that mirror our lives. People who do not buy into the stereotypes or judge people by what they see.

When we see another IR couple, maybe we should have a secret handshake or hand signal. Maybe we should stop and let them know how beautiful their family is. Maybe they do not feel they have a community of their own. Send a nice message on their Facebook/MySpace/You Tube/blog page, and let them know they belong to the club. Invite them here to the IFO website.

This club really has millions of members. There are no dues. But, we should have the rule that we each have a responsibility to reach out to others and share the love.

The Responsibilty of Creating a Human

// January 11th, 2010 // No Comments » // Family Indifference

We often talk about how hard it is to do things in our life. The struggle to find and keep a job that allows the bills to be paid. How much energy and time it take to clean, cook, or do laundry. How hard it is to deal with people who have difficult personalities.  How difficult it is to balance our lives with work, family, friends, and still find time for ourselves.

We feel successful if we have received a promotion at work. We feel successful if we buy a new house or a new car. We measure our success by how many vacations we have taken, how many important people we have met, or how many toys we have.

We talk about all of our responsibilities. Becoming the best we can be at our jobs, maintaining a household, caring for family members, working on our relationships. But those are not the most important responsibilities you have.

They are insignificant compared to the responsibility of creating and raising  human beings, your children.

There is the actual physical work that goes into conceiving, giving birth, and the years of sleepless nights, running after toddlers, helping with science projects, being the chauffeur, and crying many tears. But, that is still the easy part.

Making a human is basic. Shaping a human into a beautiful adult person, inside and out, takes more than Spiderman sippy cups and the coolest new cell phone. You have to teach compassion. You have to model for them what to expect from a love partner. You need to help them find their talents. You have to help them work through their insecurities.

You have to be the person that you want them to be.

There is no one specific recipe to get a perfect outcome. Each child is very different. Different things motivate or interest them. Or not. You work with what you have and as a parent, you must be creative and flexible. They don’t usually learn life lessons through stories of your mistakes. They have to learn hands on.  You give them all the tools, then you step back and say a little prayer.

This morning I sat down with my 14 and 15 year old daughters to have the “Big Talk.” They are the youngest of seven, so I have the script perfected. No butterflies this time. I breezed through the basic of STDs, pregnancy, and contraceptives. They know these things. The had classes in school. But, I did want them to hear it all from me.

Then I went into the second half of the talk. I told them to slow down, think carefully, and be well informed before making life choices. I told them about planning your life and finding a partner that brings out the best in them. I told them I wish for them to have the same type of relationship as their father and I do. I needed them to feel empowered as a female to make their life turn out exactly how they dreamed. I encouraged them to use their young years to go on adventures, meet people, and have stories to tell their own children later. I want them to become strong, inside and out beautiful, compassionate, intelligent, non-dysfunctional women.

Now THAT is responsibility. No job I will ever do will be as important.