Interracial Family Organization

UrbanStone.co.uk

// January 22nd, 2010 // No Comments » // In the News

Since I recently realized that many of our readers are actually from the UK {yes, I totally stalk our site stats}, I jumped at the opportunity to pass along a wonderful resource to our friends in the UK which allows comparison of pricing on things like kitchen appliances, electronics, clothing, computers, and more. This is the perfect time of year to begin planning for the holiday season… to start considering gifts, making early purchases, etc. What better way to ensure that you’re getting the biggest bang for your buck than to actually be able to compare shopping prices?!

You can search through over 6 million products at UrbanStone.co.uk in order to find what you are looking for in a price you can live with by comparison shopping! Great prices are not the only thing you’ll find there – you can also find customer reviews which will help you decide which shopping deals are the greatest value for virtually any product! I personally have been needing a laptop, but jumping to buy the first thing I see would be irresponsible with a family as large as mine. With five children, every one of my purchases has to be carefully decided upon. UrbanStone.co.uk allows consumers to make the best buying decisions possible while also minding their personal budget. You can’t get much better than that!

This is a sponsored post. All opinions are mine.

Why You Should be Talking about Race

// October 27th, 2009 // 5 Comments » // Family Indifference

Written by Rebekah Johnson

There is an attitude among many parent-peers of mine in the DC metro area that frequently astounds me – parents I meet  feel that by being “color blind” themselves, that somehow (magically?) their children will be open-minded, accepting, and capable of navigating complicated racial situations.

FAIL!

There really is no other way to say it…it’s a huge parenting failure.  Maybe in an Utopian society we could all have the privilege of being “color blind,” but we live in the real world and only a fool thinks that color doesn’t matter on this planet.

A recent study by the Children’s Research Lab at the University of Texas backs up my POV on the subject.  Austin area families participated in a study in which the goal was to determine “if typical children’s videos with multicultural story lines have a beneficial effect on children’s racial attitudes” (http://www.newsweek.com/id/214989/page/1).

There were three groups of families involved in the study.  The first was group was sent home with just videos, the second group with videos and talking points, and the third group of families were given only the talking points.  The last two groups were told to have conversations about race with their children every night for five nights.

At this point, something interesting happened. Five families in the last group abruptly quit the study. Two directly told Vittrup, “We don’t want to have these conversations with our child. We don’t want to point out skin color.”

Vittrup was taken aback—these families volunteered knowing full well it was a study of children’s racial attitudes. Yet once they were aware that the study required talking openly about race, they started dropping out.

“We don’t want to point out skin color.”  Does that stop anyone from noticing skin color?  Does that stop children from forming opinions on their own?  In the absence of a guiding influence, children will substitute their own poor judgments, or worse, the hate-filled judgments of someone else.

The study went on to say:

It was no surprise that in a liberal city like Austin, every parent was a welcoming multiculturalist, embracing diversity. But according to Vittrup’s entry surveys, hardly any of these white parents had ever talked to their children directly about race. They might have asserted vague principles—like “Everybody’s equal” or “God made all of us” or “Under the skin, we’re all the same”—but they’d almost never called attention to racial differences.

They wanted their children to grow up colorblind. But Vittrup’s first test of the kids revealed they weren’t colorblind at all. Asked how many white people are mean, these children commonly answered, “Almost none.” Asked how many blacks are mean, many answered, “Some,” or “A lot.” Even kids who attended diverse schools answered the questions this way.

More disturbing, Vittrup also asked all the kids a very blunt question: “Do your parents like black people?” Fourteen percent said outright, “No, my parents don’t like black people”; 38 percent of the kids answered, “I don’t know.” In this supposed race-free vacuum being created by parents, kids were left to improvise their own conclusions—many of which would be abhorrent to their parents.

Are these parents really surprised?  If you have values to impart to your children about equality, it will take more than vague statements about everyone being “the same.”  Kids are smart.  They know very well that we are not all “the same.”  What they need to hear is that we are all uniquely different, and they need reasons to value that uniqueness. You, parents, need to find ways to value people of color.  Find ways to compliment and seek out positive statements to impart to your children.  Have frequent, open conversations about race.  Talk about slavery, talk about segregation, talk about miscegenation, talk about stereotypes and hurtful language…talk, talk, and then talk more!  Kids need to know what is acceptable and they need to see with eyes that are wide open, not color blind.

At first glance, the study appears to be a dismal failure.  Many of the families did not talk about race at all, or changed the talking points.  However, there was a ray of hope:

Of all those Vittrup told to talk openly about interracial friendship, only six families managed to actually do so. And, for all six, their children dramatically improved their racial attitudes in a single week. Talking about race was clearly key. Reflecting later about the study, Vittrup said, “A lot of parents came to me afterwards and admitted they just didn’t know what to say to their kids, and they didn’t want the wrong thing coming out of the mouth of their kids.”

In ONE short week, all six of those families improved the racial attitudes of their children.  By TALKING.  Imagine that.

I understand that parents are hesitant to talk about race for fear of saying the wrong thing.  I encourage you (beg, really) to try.  Seek out some material if you need it.  There are books, websites, and blogs with plenty of good advice.  The simplest (and most obvious) thing to do, is to seek out some interracial friendships of your own, and then talk to your friends about how to discuss race.  I guarantee they will be happy to help you have positive discussions about race with your children.  Also, it’s worth saying that if you espouse a desire to have children who embrace multiculturalism, and you have no friends of color, then you should practice being what you desire your children to be.  If your children never see you have a meaningful friendship with someone of another race, what does that really tell them?  Just food for thought.

What I do know, is that doing nothing is the wrong answer.  Clearly, not talking about race leaves children confused and unsure at best, and harboring racist thoughts at worst.  It’s up to parents to guide our children through complicated racial issues.  It’s time to embrace the task, rather than dread it.  What could be more affirming than to teach your children how to walk in this world, not colorblind, but with an appreciation for diversity and a sense of value for all people.

The full article with the study can be found here: http://www.newsweek.com/id/214989/page/1. It’s also posted at the Anti-Racist Parent.

Confronting the N-Word, With Love

// October 27th, 2009 // No Comments » // Friend or Faux, Social Injustice

Written by Cyndi @ CurlyKids

I wrote a blog a couple years ago about the controversy surrounding the Don Imus fiasco, where he referred to a championship basketball team of women as Nappy Headed Hos… which led to a conversation with my children about the words ho and nigger, among others. In this entry I titled Don’t call me out of name, a phrase which comes from street vernacular and means don’t label me something I’m not, I struggled with a heavy subject… how could I give my children not only the tools, but also the strength to take a stand for themselves against the lure of the n-word in peer situations. While it’s probably unlikely my kids would feel pressure to use the word themselves, I wanted to empower them to “be the change” and influence others in a positive manner to not only discourage others from using the n-word to address them, but to also reconsider their use of the word, period.

I realize that’s a mighty tall order… and from a white girl at that. Like black folks haven’t been trying to discourage their kids from the use of the word for more years than I’ve been alive. And I can get up on my soapbox with other white folks and let them have it over the n-word… cuz to paraphrase a handful of white folks who are way smarter than me… racism is a white problem. We created it, we benefit from it… we need to address it within ourselves, our families, and our communities. And I feel pretty confident in teaching my children not to tolerate for one second a white person calling them by that pejorative. But I really struggled with how to guide my brown-skinned children through the minefield of the n-word when it’s used a so called endearment or as a sign of solidarity. I’m not naive enough to think that being called a nigger lover gives me any kind of authority on what it feels like to be on the receiving end of the n-word, whether from the mouth of a white or black person… and while I know that anyone who lived through the civil rights movement and the first generation after would be hard pressed to justify or tolerate it’s use, but I guess part of me did figure that it was somehow less painful for the younger generation to hear, that whether they used it themselves or not, they were desensitized to the vulgarity of the word due to the prevalence of it’s use in music and media. I was very much mistaken in this assumption, and exactly how deeply wrong I was became very clear to me last year as my daughter first encountered the complexity of social cliques… part of the shrapnel I mention in that post was one girl’s foul mouth, including her use of the word “nigga.”

Her love is like the ocean...

To set the scene, clique consisted of half a dozen or so kids, all of whom were black except my daughter (Sudanese African & what I call Heinz 57 (Anglo/English with some Native American ancestry who grew up with a Italian & German culture) and the antagonist (African American & Hispanic) in this situation, who we’ll call Jane. Halle told me that Jane would say it mostly to the boys and that she was trying to be funny. Hearing the word was very upsetting to Halle, but even more upsetting was how no one else seemed bothered by it; in fact, the boys seemed to think it was cool.

I try not to go all helicopter parent about interpersonal conflicts with peers. I think it’s important for kids to work out their issues with each other, with parental support and guidance. This is an important part of growing up and learning how to navigate office politics… which sadly, whether you are in an academic environment or corporate America, often resemble middle school antics. So I try to let my kids to handle their issues directly with their friends, and intervene when necessary.

In this instance, I encouraged Halle to focus less on what the antagonist was doing. You can’t control Jane’s behavior… you can’t make Jane do anything Jane doesn’t want to do. But that doesn’t mean you have to tolerate Jane’s behavior. Halle talked about confronting Jane and telling her she wasn’t going to hang out with her anymore because of her language. Not wanting the bullying that had gone on earlier in the year to resume with a focus on my child, I discouraged Halle from a big confrontation. Just choose to spend your time with another group of friends… you don’t owe Jane an explanation. If she asks why you haven’t been hanging out with her anymore, or if she asks you to hang out at recess, tell her about YOU.

I’d like to hang out with you, but I feel really uncomfortable when you say [fill in the blank]. I can’t control what you say, only you can do that, but if you choose to use those words, I’ll have to go because it really hurts my feelings.

Halle seemed comfortable with this approach, but when push came to shove, she wasn’t ready to confront Jane directly, her way or mine. I had given Halle’s teacher a head’s up, but because the language was happening on the playground & cafeteria, it was very easy for Jane to drop her N-bombs without being overheard. Then one day, I found Halle at the kitchen table on the verge of tears, trying to work out a schedule for herself spending time with her friends who couldn’t get along so that she was with a different friend each day and never the same person two days in a row but there was one person who she didn’t know very well but wanted to know better and couldn’t find a place to fit them.

And when she opened up about what was really upsetting her, it was how to keep up the delicate balance of this social circle where all the girls finally seemed to be getting along, and she didn’t want to rock the boat by calling out this behavior that was chipping away at her spirit. I listened to her talk for a while, head down, eyes on her paper… but when she raised her head and I saw her beautiful brown eyes full of tears and she said to me…

Mommy, in my whole life, nobody has ever said nigger in front of me before. NEVER IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

My heart broke… I knew the day would come where my children would come into contact with the n-word in real life, and not in the safe academic conversations in our home, but it was even more bitter to have that scenario be at school, and from someone who looked like her.

That’s when I told her that I felt she had done everything she could do on her own, and that I knew her teacher had tried really hard to address these issues, and it was time for Mom to meet with the Principal of the school. I left it up to her whether she wanted to go with me, but told her the meeting would happen the week right before winter break, in hopes that the long recess would calm hurt feelings on both sides. Halle decided to go with me, and I let her tell the principal what was happening and how she felt about it… and I could see that it pained him greatly when she told him that her first experience with the n-word was at his school.

At the end of it, just having the support from her family and the school together empowered Halle to speak up on her behalf. After Jane was pulled in for a conference about Halle’s allegations (where she fessed, from what I understand) Halle told her that she had been the narc. They cried together about it and when the tears dried, they found themselves with the beginnings of a real friendship. Halle told me later that Jane told her she didn’t know why she’d even used those words (and that she got her backside warmed for it too).

My Army of ONE LOVE

All in all, I was awed and amazed by Halle’s sensitivity and strength in handling this complex situation at the tender age of nine years old. I wish that this was the only time she’ll have to deal with the n-word… or that every time would end in such a positive manner. I’m terribly afraid we just lucked out this time. But I hope this experience from this battle is one she carries with her, and gives her strength to attack the monster again, and eventually win this war.

Recommended reading: soulbrother v.2: Enslaved by Language: A Brief Archaeology of the Word Nigger