Archive for Social Injustice

I am MOM

// August 15th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Social Injustice

My son has been teasing me since he was little to get his ears pierced and though I really don’t want to see him in pierced ears I allowed him to use his own money and pierce them. Mostly because his Bio-dad and his Dad have them and also his sister was allowed to get her ears pierced so, after a little persuasion he talked me into it.

So, we head to Walmart and he picks out some dark silver type small ball earrings. I tell the woman at the jewelry counter that I would like to pierce his ears and she immediately tells me, “Well he must have a legal guardian present!” I tell her I am his mother. and she just looks at me and says, “Are you his legal guardian?” Again I say, “Yes, I am his mother!”

She’s pretty snippy with me and she reluctantly put the things together to pierce his ears. While marking his ears I looked to see if the dots were even and she tells me, “MOVE!” I was so ready to tell her something but I didn’t want  her to be upset with me while piercing my child.

She took my license and several more times she called me “legal guardian.” She even told my son, “Let’s have your legal guardian stand in front of you while we pierce your ears.”

As soon as she gets those holes in my sons ears I said, “Look I am HIS MOTHER not just a legal guardian, I hear you keep calling me guardian but I gave birth to this boy; I am his biological MOTHER!!”

She just looks at me.

I tell her, “I know he is dark for a biracial child but I am his biological mother and I would appreciate if you stop calling me his guardian.” She tells me, “That’s not why I said that.” YEAH, OKAY!!

I was really upset that because our skin color is so different she kept repeatedly
stripping me of my title as mother!! I AM MOM!

What would you have done?

The War on Stereotyping is Far From Over

// February 15th, 2010 // 4 Comments » // Social Injustice

I was interviewing a wonderful nurse for a home health position at my job. She came to fill out an application and did not know she would get to speak to anyone. She was wearing a beautiful bright pink outfit with black jeweled shoes, a black long sleeve shirt under the pink top and a black, delicately jeweled head scarf covering her hair. She was obviously Muslim. She apologized up and down for the way she was dressed. She stated she was on her way to worship. I couldn’t imagine her picking a more beautiful outfit to speak to a potential employer in.

I was so completely impressed by the woman. Her professionalism, her sense of humor, her diverse nursing skills and experience. I had goose bumps just thinking about how well she was going to fit in being the main nurse at a certain case I had in mind. She even lived close to the patient’s home. One of the best interviews I have ever conducted. I was doing a happy dance inside!

She was completely appropriate and impressive through out the interview, but I caught her carefully mentioning her religion. She was NOT trying to push something on me, she was trying to make the subject clear in case I or someone else might have a problem with it. She mentioned that she was very open to other religions and spirituality and had no problem working with patients who may not be the same faith. It made me sad to think she felt she had to defend herself up front. Just as sad, because of her traditional dress, I too had to be careful about who’s house I sent her into. I wouldn’t want anyone to have a melt down when she entered their home.

She had an infectious enthusiasm and was thrilled to do some research and review on some of the high tech equipment that this patient was coming home on. Laughing she said, “You must have the right weapons if you are going to war.” Immediately she stopped and followed that with “I am sorry. I know being Muslim, I should never even utter the word war.” I put my hand on her arm and said, “Please, don’t apologize. You should not have to censor every word you say to avoid prejudice.”

I was angry at the ignorance this amazing woman had to wade through everyday. Americans, who are people who come from all over this world, can be so pathetic and self absorbed. We all carry with us and are shaped by our experiences and the people we meet. If you avoid/reject groups of people, you are limiting your growth as a human.

“Stereotypes are devices for saving a biased person
the trouble of learning.”

-Unknown author

Twitter Wars

// February 11th, 2010 // 22 Comments » // Social Injustice

For those who don’t know, I am most definitely addicted to Twitter. I’ve got over 3300 followers and I tweet several times daily. If you’re not familiar with this particular social network, let me explain a couple of things. Most tweets are public, but people do have the option of making their stream of tweets private. Twitter allows sitewide searches of public tweets.

I have a program called TweetDeck which allows me to have several columns open with various data pulled from Twitter. One of them lists search results for four terms: interracial, diversity, multicultural, and biracial. I use this column to find individuals to connect with as we grow our Interracial Family Organization name in social media. Tonight, I saw a tweet pop up that said: “Call me a hater but interracial relationships piss me the **** off.” So, on my personal Twitter account, I decided to respond. Since she asked the general public to call her a hater, I felt obliged to do so.

As a sidenote so that you understand what you are reading, each image is a tweet. The tweets that include “@karennduh” are directed at the person who made the comment about interracial couples. Tweets that include “@katjrobertson” are directed at me. Tweets that do NOT include “@” with a name after it indicate a general statement which is not directed toward anyone in particular.

This is how the conversation went:

I’m sure everyone is thinking what I asked myself after I stopped responding: “Why?” lol I really don’t know why I even let things like that annoy me or why I even engaged in that conversation, but sometimes I honestly can’t help it. I get sick and tired of hearing statements like that. Interracial couples piss you off? Just by EXISTING?? That is ludicrous. This is sad on multiple levels… the first being that this is a young lady (and I use the term “lady” VERY loosely) that I would estimate to be somewhere between 18 and 20 years old. I don’t KNOW that for sure, but I’m guessing by the way she acts, and the fact that other people on her Twitter list are in that age range. This is the generation coming up behind us… and it is pathetic.

I won’t get into how disgusted I am that this otherwise pretty young woman has such a nasty personality and how blatantly her mannerisms reflect a horrible lack of self respect, but just the realization that there are so many people who feel the same way… that interracial families consist of individuals who are weak, aren’t doing anything productive with themselves… that our children are useless, etc. What disappoints me even more is that I noticed at the beginning she was actually tweeting with a biracial teenager who laughed it off and said something to the effect of, “Oh well then you must really hate me then,” to which this girl replied:

Seriously, people… I know you can’t talk ignorance out of a person but that doesn’t stop me from wishing there were some way to get through to people so that they understood how stupid this is. What difference does it make who ANYONE is with?

Ain’t yo daddy kkk?”

I just don’t even know how to respond to that except to be highly frustrated knowing that after all of these years… after all the movements for civil rights for everyone… after all the strides so many people have made to ensure integration, get us closer to equality, and remove laws restricting interracial marriages, we still haven’t moved all that much in the minds of people like this – the same tired mentalities that ran rampant in prior generations are raising the generations that are coming up now and while it may seem better on the surface, the prejudice is still alive and well.

Video: Making Whiteness Visible, Pt. 1-5

// January 25th, 2010 // No Comments » // Social Injustice

Mirrors of Privilege: Making Whiteness Visible is a brilliant documentary and a must-see for all people who are interested in justice, spiritual growth and community making. It features the experiences of white women and men who have worked to gain insight into what it means to challenge notions of racism and white supremacy in the United States.

To watch the following playlist on Youtube, click here!

PART ONE:

PART TWO:

PART THREE:

PART FOUR:

PART FIVE:

White Women are Weak and Docile?

// January 2nd, 2010 // 15 Comments » // Social Injustice

Many have heard the stereotype imposed on white women in interracial relationships. You know the one… white women are meek and mild.  They do whatever a man (or more specifically, a black man) wants. They don’t talk back. They cook and clean and know how to make their man happy no matter how he treats her. HA! As a strong, intelligent, and independent white woman with many similar pigmentally challenged friends of the female persuasion, I can say this is a CROCK! However, when it is espoused by some* black men (usually to black women) it is presented as some sort of attribute, a complement even. LOL So, I often wonder, why is it put out there? What is the purpose of the stereotype?

I have black women friends that tell me that they have heard this stereotype told to them many times by some* black men who date white women. The men, I am told, often say this in context of “explaining” why they date white women (like there needs to be an explanation). In promoting this stereotype, they often also stereotype black women as unusually demanding, loud, unsupportive, etc. So, when we look at this, it is actually a huge dose of sexism levied at women in general. I have never spoken personally to a man that pushes this theory, but I would like to, because I would expose it for what it is, flawed and filled with ignorance. Does this mean that there are no white women that are weak-willed? No. I find that when women are insecure about themselves, they may have a tendency to be more tolerant. Does it mean that there are no black women that can be loud and inflexible? No. However, you find this in reverse as well. Why do black men, who have felt the sting of negative stereotypes themselves, feel compelled to advance them against their women, white and black alike? Additionally, for this article I am not even addressing the same types of things, but magnified, said about Asian women.

So, back to my question regarding the purpose of the stereotype. I am not a black man that promotes this thought, so I can’t really know why it is done. However, I’m going to throw out a few theories for your consideration.

  1. Black men that support the stereotypes may feel that they need to explain why they would date outside of their race. They have to find something wrong with black women, to justify them being with a white woman. If this is the case, it appears it would come from a place of insecurity about their decision to date white women. I don’t think I would want to be with a man that is feeling these type of conflicting emotions over being with me.
  2. This stereotype may be used to manipulate black women by targeting their need/want to be in a relationship with a black man. Possibly there is the thought that if these black men keep talking about their choice of white women because they are more docile, this will encourage black women to behave in the same way.

One of the main detriments of this stereotype, in my opinion, is that it pits women against women. White women in interracial relationships know that some of the more piercing looks of disapproval regarding their relationship often will come from black women. Can you blame them? I know if I was constantly told that the men that I wanted a relationship with were not with me because they thought white women were “better” I wouldn’t react in a positive manner either. Additionally, possibly because of that hurt and anger, some black women turn the stereotype around from a (false) positive to a negative. Thus, the white woman whom the black man says is sweet/docile regardless of what is done to her, then by black women become labeled as doormats and “can’t handle their business,” spineless, etc, while the black men that are with them, become labeled weak because they “can’t handle a REAL woman.” Ohhhhhh, it gets ugly, doesn’t it?

These stereotypes need to come to an end. They need to be challenged. They are detrimental. White women, it is not a complement. Black women, do you really believe this mess? Black men, if you are dating only white women because you “think” there is something flawed about black women, you need to check yourself. Women, remember when we were young and we vowed to our girlfriends not to let boys divide us? Well, that was good then and is still good now.

*emphasis made to note that this writer is only referring to black men that engage in this stereotype and is fully aware that this does not pertain to most black men and should not be interpreted as such.

Racial Profiling {Biracial Teen}

// November 15th, 2009 // No Comments » // In the News, Social Injustice

The news story I am printing below was in the Denver Post today. The young man is a good friend of my kids. He is also biracial- half black and half white. I was shocked when I read the story, but was sickened as I read the comments. His race was on trial. I know this young man and if these commentors knew who they were talking about, it might change some of what they said…

Racial profiling at Denver Safeway store alleged
By Felisa Cardona – The Denver Post

An African-American teen accused of stealing who was detained and searched by employees at Safeway was a victim of racial profiling, according to an investigation by Denver’s Anti-Discrimination Office.

The agency’s Nov. 5 finding of discrimination says “there is reasonable cause to believe that this is not an isolated incident but rather a pattern or practice of engaging in such racial profiling.”

Brandon Anderson-Thayer, now 18, filed a complaint against Safeway alleging discrimination, and the agency’s finding allows him to proceed with a civil lawsuit, said his attorney, Mari Newman.


“We’ve given Safeway every opportunity to try and figure out whether there is a way to resolve this case and to try to be a good community member, and they have just resisted all the way,” she said.

Safeway contends there is no evidence to support the allegations.

“Our company has a long-standing reputation for fair and unbiased dealings with customers, employees and the communities that we serve,” said Safeway spokeswoman Kris Staaf. “The DADO’s probable-cause determination in this case resulted from an inadvertent failure of the company to respond to a DADO administrative request and is not a finding on the merits.

“Safeway is committed to continuing to defend against the claims made here, as well as continuing our efforts to resolve this matter with the DADO.”

On Oct. 14, 2008, Anderson-Thayer, then 17, went to the Safeway at 1653 S. Colorado Blvd. to buy some snacks after school.

He was with two friends, Hassan Robinson, who is also black, and Joe Vilante, who is Pacific Islander.

Anderson-Thayer was handcuffed by security as he bought some hot chocolate from schoolmate Jessica Molendyk, who was working at a breast-cancer awareness stand to raise money.

“The manager’s only stated reasons for accusing Mr. Anderson-Thayer and his friends of theft were the fact that Mr. Anderson-Thayer and his friends apparently ‘looked suspicious’ and that the manager had problems with ‘kids like them’ in the past,” said a report by Lucía Guzmán, executive director of Human Rights and Community Relations, which oversees DADO.

Molendyk told DADO that Safeway head clerk Brandon Nance directed security guards to follow black teens in the store for no apparent reason and that she often observed Nance making racist jokes.

The teens were not carrying any backpacks that would help them conceal items and they paid for the snacks they had, the report said. For a half-hour, the teens were held in an upstairs office and searched and interrogated, the report said.

“By targeting Mr. Anderson-Thayer and his friends for discriminatory surveillance, search and seizure, Safeway denied the teenagers ‘full and equal enjoyment of the goods, services facilities, privileges, advantages and accommodations’ of Safeway,” wrote Guzmán.

DADO does not issue fines or sanctions against a business when there is a finding of discrimination.

The goal of the agency is to bring the parties together to come to a settlement or a resolution. If it can’t be worked out, legal action may be pursued by the person who filed the complaint, Guzmán said.

The finding said that Anderson-Thayer’s testimony is “credible” and that the affidavits filed by his two friends and Molendyk corroborate his statements.

Representatives from Safeway met twice with DADO and Anderson-Thayer for mediation but no significant progress was made, the report said.

When Safeway’s attorney was contacted for a third meeting, the company did not respond.

However, Safeway is still trying to resolve the case and is expected to continue to provide information to the agency even though deadlines were missed.

Guzmán said the discrimination finding does not mean a solution can’t be worked out.

“Our major work is the hope that resolution occurs,” she said, “and we will always stand ready to help facilitate positive resolutions.”

COMMENTS ON THE NEWSPAPERS WEBSITE-

There has to be more to this story, it just doesn’t jive as written. And look at the picture of the kid…he looks white!

~~~

The fact that they didn’t catch him means they are bad at their jobs. You can’t detain people and put people in handcuffs when they haven’t stolen anything. This kid is playing victim and looking for a quick payday and the Post looks like they are going to help him.

~~~

Good for Safeway. This defense for breaking the law is perposterous. I’m going to start shopping at Safeway as long as they keep racially profiling

~~~

This has nothing to do with the kid’s rights or profiling. It’s all about money. If Safeway had given the kid a nice settlement to go away, we’d be hearing nothing about racial profiling “blah, blah, blah…” and he’d be over at the Best Buy picking out a new iPod and Stereo Speakers for his car like any teen would.

~~~

It’s the old “Jessie Jackson (Operation Push) shake down” Works every time.

~~~

im saying is that if the guy in that photo claims he was racially profiled because he is black…well then he has no case because he isnt black.

~~~

that kid is white as white gets! Let me guess, he probably listens to rap and has saggy pants, so he calls himself black…uh…sorry, African American. If he is from South Africa I’ll give him this one!

~~~

i`m looking into my crystal ball…i see it ..still fuzzy.. i see an..escalade in someones future!

~~~

And Brandon’s mother must have read this all and responded-

I am Brandon’s mom. He did not steal (nor has he ever stolen) and the actual stated reason, according to witnesses, why they were followed was because the security (a private firm, not DPD) had been instructed to follow all African-Americans. They were followed from the time they entered the store. He was handcuffed (in front of a friend no less-humiliating) and held for at least a half hour. He was a minor and I was never notified. If that happened to your child, would you just let it go? The stress sent him into an epileptic seizure when he got home (a pre-existing condition). Brandon and his friends have shopped there since all of their lives; it is our “neighborhood” store.

How should they have behaved? They were dressed like most men under 30, they had no backpacks and they paid for everything…. and they were still in the store, buying hot chocolate from a Breast Cancer Awareness fundraiser, hardly a action buy someone trying to hide something.

To clarify a few points, he chooses how he wants to be identified, as an African-American. We took this to the city because we want the store to change their policy and become more sensitive in how they treat the community. We took it public because the community needs to understand that, even though it is 2009, these things still happen on a regular basis. Most of what we were asking for was that they make amends and form relationships with the African-American community and the school that the kids attend (which is predominately minority and where the kids often come to shop). No Escalade for this family.

Unless you are a minority in this city, you are probably not aware of how young minority males are profiled on a regular basis. I see this happening in the community all of time. This was not the first time for Brandon or his friends to be profiled for “walking while black” and for these young people, it forces them into a position of always having to be on the defense. We are here to say, “ENOUGH”!

What are your thoughts? Comment below!

Murdered: Marine SGT Jan Pawel Pietrzak wife Quiana Jenkins-Pietrzak

// November 15th, 2009 // 4 Comments » // In the News, Social Injustice

Janek and Quiana Pietrzak began dating in May 2006… Janek was a Marine who had attained the rank of Sergeant and Quiana had ambitions of becoming a doctor. They were married in August 2008. All of their dreams would be stifled as they were murdered two months later by four fellow marines who couldn’t accept interracial marriage.

This is a tribute in honor of this beautiful young couple…

Justice of the Peace Resigns Over Interracial Marriage Dispute

// November 4th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // Blended Living, In the News, Social Injustice

Justice Keith Bardwell was forced into the spotlight in Hammond, LA last month when his wife, Beth Bardwell, informed Beth Humphrey, a white woman in south Louisiana, that her husband would not perform her marriage ceremony because her fiance was black. Although Beth and her new husband, Terence McKay, did end up getting married by another Justice of the Peace three days later, the damage had been done – the couple’s eyes had been opened to a pain all to familiar to interracial couples: the pain of rejection and disapproval. However, in this case, despite the strength and class exhibited by the McKays, the Justice would soon find the damage he had done to himself to be irreparable. News of the case traveled at the speed of light as Twitter and Facebook buzzed about the issue and the outrage spread like wildfire.

Beth and Terence McKay have done countless interviews and have undoubtedly been through an enormous amount of undue stress simply as a result of seeking out a Justice to validate their marriage under the law. As Bardwell came to his own defense, not issuing an apology or a justifiable response to the accusations, he admitted recusing himself from the duty of performing their ceremony based on his own personal prejudices toward interracial couples which he claimed stem from what he considers to be the widely acknowledged belief that children born into interracial marriages suffer as a result of their multicultural heritage and the inability of society to accept them. He went on to say that in his experience, interracial couples do not last and for those two reasons, he “didn’t want to do that to the children” born to these couples in the future.

Since the story initially broke – having blown up the news and social media alike causing a windstorm of controversy which peaked around the 15th of October – the Justice has officially resigned his position. In speaking to CNN affiliate WBRZ, he stated, “I needed to step down because they was going to take me to court, and I was going to lose. I would probably do the same thing again [ ... ] I found out I can’t be a justice of the peace and have a conscience.” Let’s just take a moment to examine the word “conscience” which is defined as being the moral sense, or that capacity of our mental constitution, by which we irresistibly feel the difference between right and wrong. Conscience is a part of our personal mental constitution. Apparently, the Justice failed to realize that HIS constitution has absolutely nothing to do with the Constitution that protects us ALL as individuals. The constitution of the United States is very clear and does not allow open interpretation in regards to IT’S views on marriages like that of the McKays which involve more than one ethnic background. The Supreme court ruled on this in 1967, stating:

Marriage is one of the “basic civil rights of man,” fundamental to our very existence and survival…. To deny this fundamental freedom on so unsupportable a basis as the racial classifications embodied in these statutes, classifications so directly subversive of the principle of equality at the heart of the Fourteenth Amendment, is surely to deprive all the State’s citizens of liberty without due process of law. The Fourteenth Amendment requires that the freedom of choice to marry not be restricted by invidious racial discrimination. Under our Constitution, the freedom to marry, or not marry, a person of another race resides with the individual and cannot be infringed by the State.

I am ecstatic that he resigned. However, I am appalled at the comment he made about there being a war between his position as justice of the peace and his position as a morally sound, ethically conscious individual. Does he REALLY think he was acting out of integrity? I have to say that it’s scary to admit to myself there are still people in this world who are in such strong opposition of interracial families to go as far a to break the LAW to prevent themselves from having to partake in “doing” such a disservice to the children involved. That’s IF I choose to entertain the notion that he was genuinely concerned for ‘the children,’ which I do not.

That’s just sick.

And it shows that we have such a long way to go, still…

Interracial Couple Denied Marriage

// October 31st, 2009 // No Comments » // In the News, Social Injustice

On June 12, 1967, the United States Supreme Court decided in the Loving vs. Virginia case in favor of Richard and Mildred Loving. The decision meant that from that moment on, it would be illegal for ANY state to restrict the marriage of two people on the basis of race, citing the following:

Marriage is one of the “basic civil rights of man,” fundamental to our very existence and survival…. To deny this fundamental freedom on so unsupportable a basis as the racial classifications embodied in these statutes, classifications so directly subversive of the principle of equality at the heart of the Fourteenth Amendment, is surely to deprive all the State’s citizens of liberty without due process of law. The Fourteenth Amendment requires that the freedom of choice to marry not be restricted by invidious racial discrimination. Under our Constitution, the freedom to marry, or not marry, a person of another race resides with the individual and cannot be infringed by the State.

There is patently no legitimate overriding purpose independent of invidious racial discrimination which justifies this classification. The fact that Virginia prohibits only interracial marriages involving white persons demonstrates that the racial classifications must stand on their own justification, as measures designed to maintain White Supremacy.

Unfortunately, on October 6, 2009, a Louisiana couple found that there are still Justices who are willing to go against the law to prevent – or at least discourage – interracial marriages. Beth and Terence McKay contacted Keith Bardwell, a Justice of the Peace in Hammond, LA, who has been in his position for 34 years, to have him officiate their ceremony. Imagine Beth’s shock when Bardwell’s wife informed her that he does not perform marriages for mixed-race couples where one of the individuals is black, citing the reasoning as concern for the potential lack of social acceptance for their future children.

Our views have been expressed without restraint…

Kat Robertson:

Laura Stillman:

Jennifer Morris:

Now that WE have expressed our views, we’re curious to know what our readers think… how do you feel about this situation? I have to say, after reflection (and time to cool down) my reaction has turned from complete disgust to a mixture of disgust and relief. Up until this point, people would roll their eyes and dismiss claims that interracial couples were discriminated against. No one really understood what multicultural families face. Now, the entire nation has no choice but to digest this situation and respond to it.

Confronting the N-Word, With Love

// October 27th, 2009 // No Comments » // Friend or Faux, Social Injustice

Written by Cyndi @ CurlyKids

I wrote a blog a couple years ago about the controversy surrounding the Don Imus fiasco, where he referred to a championship basketball team of women as Nappy Headed Hos… which led to a conversation with my children about the words ho and nigger, among others. In this entry I titled Don’t call me out of name, a phrase which comes from street vernacular and means don’t label me something I’m not, I struggled with a heavy subject… how could I give my children not only the tools, but also the strength to take a stand for themselves against the lure of the n-word in peer situations. While it’s probably unlikely my kids would feel pressure to use the word themselves, I wanted to empower them to “be the change” and influence others in a positive manner to not only discourage others from using the n-word to address them, but to also reconsider their use of the word, period.

I realize that’s a mighty tall order… and from a white girl at that. Like black folks haven’t been trying to discourage their kids from the use of the word for more years than I’ve been alive. And I can get up on my soapbox with other white folks and let them have it over the n-word… cuz to paraphrase a handful of white folks who are way smarter than me… racism is a white problem. We created it, we benefit from it… we need to address it within ourselves, our families, and our communities. And I feel pretty confident in teaching my children not to tolerate for one second a white person calling them by that pejorative. But I really struggled with how to guide my brown-skinned children through the minefield of the n-word when it’s used a so called endearment or as a sign of solidarity. I’m not naive enough to think that being called a nigger lover gives me any kind of authority on what it feels like to be on the receiving end of the n-word, whether from the mouth of a white or black person… and while I know that anyone who lived through the civil rights movement and the first generation after would be hard pressed to justify or tolerate it’s use, but I guess part of me did figure that it was somehow less painful for the younger generation to hear, that whether they used it themselves or not, they were desensitized to the vulgarity of the word due to the prevalence of it’s use in music and media. I was very much mistaken in this assumption, and exactly how deeply wrong I was became very clear to me last year as my daughter first encountered the complexity of social cliques… part of the shrapnel I mention in that post was one girl’s foul mouth, including her use of the word “nigga.”

I love...

Her love is like the ocean...

To set the scene, clique consisted of half a dozen or so kids, all of whom were black except my daughter (Sudanese African & what I call Heinz 57 (Anglo/English with some Native American ancestry who grew up with a Italian & German culture) and the antagonist (African American & Hispanic) in this situation, who we’ll call Jane. Halle told me that Jane would say it mostly to the boys and that she was trying to be funny. Hearing the word was very upsetting to Halle, but even more upsetting was how no one else seemed bothered by it; in fact, the boys seemed to think it was cool.

I try not to go all helicopter parent about interpersonal conflicts with peers. I think it’s important for kids to work out their issues with each other, with parental support and guidance. This is an important part of growing up and learning how to navigate office politics… which sadly, whether you are in an academic environment or corporate America, often resemble middle school antics. So I try to let my kids to handle their issues directly with their friends, and intervene when necessary.

In this instance, I encouraged Halle to focus less on what the antagonist was doing. You can’t control Jane’s behavior… you can’t make Jane do anything Jane doesn’t want to do. But that doesn’t mean you have to tolerate Jane’s behavior. Halle talked about confronting Jane and telling her she wasn’t going to hang out with her anymore because of her language. Not wanting the bullying that had gone on earlier in the year to resume with a focus on my child, I discouraged Halle from a big confrontation. Just choose to spend your time with another group of friends… you don’t owe Jane an explanation. If she asks why you haven’t been hanging out with her anymore, or if she asks you to hang out at recess, tell her about YOU.

I’d like to hang out with you, but I feel really uncomfortable when you say [fill in the blank]. I can’t control what you say, only you can do that, but if you choose to use those words, I’ll have to go because it really hurts my feelings.

Halle seemed comfortable with this approach, but when push came to shove, she wasn’t ready to confront Jane directly, her way or mine. I had given Halle’s teacher a head’s up, but because the language was happening on the playground & cafeteria, it was very easy for Jane to drop her N-bombs without being overheard. Then one day, I found Halle at the kitchen table on the verge of tears, trying to work out a schedule for herself spending time with her friends who couldn’t get along so that she was with a different friend each day and never the same person two days in a row but there was one person who she didn’t know very well but wanted to know better and couldn’t find a place to fit them.

And when she opened up about what was really upsetting her, it was how to keep up the delicate balance of this social circle where all the girls finally seemed to be getting along, and she didn’t want to rock the boat by calling out this behavior that was chipping away at her spirit. I listened to her talk for a while, head down, eyes on her paper… but when she raised her head and I saw her beautiful brown eyes full of tears and she said to me…

Mommy, in my whole life, nobody has ever said nigger in front of me before. NEVER IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

My heart broke… I knew the day would come where my children would come into contact with the n-word in real life, and not in the safe academic conversations in our home, but it was even more bitter to have that scenario be at school, and from someone who looked like her.

That’s when I told her that I felt she had done everything she could do on her own, and that I knew her teacher had tried really hard to address these issues, and it was time for Mom to meet with the Principal of the school. I left it up to her whether she wanted to go with me, but told her the meeting would happen the week right before winter break, in hopes that the long recess would calm hurt feelings on both sides. Halle decided to go with me, and I let her tell the principal what was happening and how she felt about it… and I could see that it pained him greatly when she told him that her first experience with the n-word was at his school.

At the end of it, just having the support from her family and the school together empowered Halle to speak up on her behalf. After Jane was pulled in for a conference about Halle’s allegations (where she fessed, from what I understand) Halle told her that she had been the narc. They cried together about it and when the tears dried, they found themselves with the beginnings of a real friendship. Halle told me later that Jane told her she didn’t know why she’d even used those words (and that she got her backside warmed for it too).

My Army of One

My Army of ONE LOVE

All in all, I was awed and amazed by Halle’s sensitivity and strength in handling this complex situation at the tender age of nine years old. I wish that this was the only time she’ll have to deal with the n-word… or that every time would end in such a positive manner. I’m terribly afraid we just lucked out this time. But I hope this experience from this battle is one she carries with her, and gives her strength to attack the monster again, and eventually win this war.

Recommended reading: soulbrother v.2: Enslaved by Language: A Brief Archaeology of the Word Nigger