Interracial Family Organization

The Responsibilty of Creating a Human

// January 11th, 2010 // No Comments » // Family Indifference

We often talk about how hard it is to do things in our life. The struggle to find and keep a job that allows the bills to be paid. How much energy and time it take to clean, cook, or do laundry. How hard it is to deal with people who have difficult personalities.  How difficult it is to balance our lives with work, family, friends, and still find time for ourselves.

We feel successful if we have received a promotion at work. We feel successful if we buy a new house or a new car. We measure our success by how many vacations we have taken, how many important people we have met, or how many toys we have.

We talk about all of our responsibilities. Becoming the best we can be at our jobs, maintaining a household, caring for family members, working on our relationships. But those are not the most important responsibilities you have.

They are insignificant compared to the responsibility of creating and raising  human beings, your children.

There is the actual physical work that goes into conceiving, giving birth, and the years of sleepless nights, running after toddlers, helping with science projects, being the chauffeur, and crying many tears. But, that is still the easy part.

Making a human is basic. Shaping a human into a beautiful adult person, inside and out, takes more than Spiderman sippy cups and the coolest new cell phone. You have to teach compassion. You have to model for them what to expect from a love partner. You need to help them find their talents. You have to help them work through their insecurities.

You have to be the person that you want them to be.

There is no one specific recipe to get a perfect outcome. Each child is very different. Different things motivate or interest them. Or not. You work with what you have and as a parent, you must be creative and flexible. They don’t usually learn life lessons through stories of your mistakes. They have to learn hands on.  You give them all the tools, then you step back and say a little prayer.

This morning I sat down with my 14 and 15 year old daughters to have the “Big Talk.” They are the youngest of seven, so I have the script perfected. No butterflies this time. I breezed through the basic of STDs, pregnancy, and contraceptives. They know these things. The had classes in school. But, I did want them to hear it all from me.

Then I went into the second half of the talk. I told them to slow down, think carefully, and be well informed before making life choices. I told them about planning your life and finding a partner that brings out the best in them. I told them I wish for them to have the same type of relationship as their father and I do. I needed them to feel empowered as a female to make their life turn out exactly how they dreamed. I encouraged them to use their young years to go on adventures, meet people, and have stories to tell their own children later. I want them to become strong, inside and out beautiful, compassionate, intelligent, non-dysfunctional women.

Now THAT is responsibility. No job I will ever do will be as important.

Why You Should be Talking about Race

// October 27th, 2009 // 4 Comments » // Family Indifference

Written by Rebekah Johnson

There is an attitude among many parent-peers of mine in the DC metro area that frequently astounds me – parents I meet  feel that by being “color blind” themselves, that somehow (magically?) their children will be open-minded, accepting, and capable of navigating complicated racial situations.

FAIL!

There really is no other way to say it…it’s a huge parenting failure.  Maybe in an Utopian society we could all have the privilege of being “color blind,” but we live in the real world and only a fool thinks that color doesn’t matter on this planet.

A recent study by the Children’s Research Lab at the University of Texas backs up my POV on the subject.  Austin area families participated in a study in which the goal was to determine “if typical children’s videos with multicultural story lines have a beneficial effect on children’s racial attitudes” (http://www.newsweek.com/id/214989/page/1).

There were three groups of families involved in the study.  The first was group was sent home with just videos, the second group with videos and talking points, and the third group of families were given only the talking points.  The last two groups were told to have conversations about race with their children every night for five nights.

At this point, something interesting happened. Five families in the last group abruptly quit the study. Two directly told Vittrup, “We don’t want to have these conversations with our child. We don’t want to point out skin color.”

Vittrup was taken aback—these families volunteered knowing full well it was a study of children’s racial attitudes. Yet once they were aware that the study required talking openly about race, they started dropping out.

“We don’t want to point out skin color.”  Does that stop anyone from noticing skin color?  Does that stop children from forming opinions on their own?  In the absence of a guiding influence, children will substitute their own poor judgments, or worse, the hate-filled judgments of someone else.

The study went on to say:

It was no surprise that in a liberal city like Austin, every parent was a welcoming multiculturalist, embracing diversity. But according to Vittrup’s entry surveys, hardly any of these white parents had ever talked to their children directly about race. They might have asserted vague principles—like “Everybody’s equal” or “God made all of us” or “Under the skin, we’re all the same”—but they’d almost never called attention to racial differences.

They wanted their children to grow up colorblind. But Vittrup’s first test of the kids revealed they weren’t colorblind at all. Asked how many white people are mean, these children commonly answered, “Almost none.” Asked how many blacks are mean, many answered, “Some,” or “A lot.” Even kids who attended diverse schools answered the questions this way.

More disturbing, Vittrup also asked all the kids a very blunt question: “Do your parents like black people?” Fourteen percent said outright, “No, my parents don’t like black people”; 38 percent of the kids answered, “I don’t know.” In this supposed race-free vacuum being created by parents, kids were left to improvise their own conclusions—many of which would be abhorrent to their parents.

Are these parents really surprised?  If you have values to impart to your children about equality, it will take more than vague statements about everyone being “the same.”  Kids are smart.  They know very well that we are not all “the same.”  What they need to hear is that we are all uniquely different, and they need reasons to value that uniqueness. You, parents, need to find ways to value people of color.  Find ways to compliment and seek out positive statements to impart to your children.  Have frequent, open conversations about race.  Talk about slavery, talk about segregation, talk about miscegenation, talk about stereotypes and hurtful language…talk, talk, and then talk more!  Kids need to know what is acceptable and they need to see with eyes that are wide open, not color blind.

At first glance, the study appears to be a dismal failure.  Many of the families did not talk about race at all, or changed the talking points.  However, there was a ray of hope:

Of all those Vittrup told to talk openly about interracial friendship, only six families managed to actually do so. And, for all six, their children dramatically improved their racial attitudes in a single week. Talking about race was clearly key. Reflecting later about the study, Vittrup said, “A lot of parents came to me afterwards and admitted they just didn’t know what to say to their kids, and they didn’t want the wrong thing coming out of the mouth of their kids.”

In ONE short week, all six of those families improved the racial attitudes of their children.  By TALKING.  Imagine that.

I understand that parents are hesitant to talk about race for fear of saying the wrong thing.  I encourage you (beg, really) to try.  Seek out some material if you need it.  There are books, websites, and blogs with plenty of good advice.  The simplest (and most obvious) thing to do, is to seek out some interracial friendships of your own, and then talk to your friends about how to discuss race.  I guarantee they will be happy to help you have positive discussions about race with your children.  Also, it’s worth saying that if you espouse a desire to have children who embrace multiculturalism, and you have no friends of color, then you should practice being what you desire your children to be.  If your children never see you have a meaningful friendship with someone of another race, what does that really tell them?  Just food for thought.

What I do know, is that doing nothing is the wrong answer.  Clearly, not talking about race leaves children confused and unsure at best, and harboring racist thoughts at worst.  It’s up to parents to guide our children through complicated racial issues.  It’s time to embrace the task, rather than dread it.  What could be more affirming than to teach your children how to walk in this world, not colorblind, but with an appreciation for diversity and a sense of value for all people.

The full article with the study can be found here: http://www.newsweek.com/id/214989/page/1. It’s also posted at the Anti-Racist Parent.