Interracial Family Organization

Responsibilities of the “Dominant Culture” Partner in Interracial Relationships

// March 7th, 2010 // written by Lorrie Hinton

AUTHOR BIO:

Lorrie Hinton is a 44 year old white woman who lives in northern California with her husband, Chris, who is black. She has a 17 year old son and a daughter who is 20, both of whom are Filipino and white. You can also find Lorrie at her blog MyCaseManager

Many of us in interracial relationships will attest to the fact that after you settle into your relationship, on a day-to-day basis, you really don’t give much thought to being from different races and/or cultures.  You and your partner are just who you are and you relate without having race be a major part of the relationship.  However, we also can’t deny that there are differences in culture and experiences that both of you face while navigating our race focused society.  In the United States, non-white cultures have to be extremely knowledgeable about white American culture in order to be successful and survive.  It doesn’t really translate the other way though.  One of the advantages of white privilege is that white people can go their whole lives not knowing much about non-white people and not have it effect them much, especially if they are not around much diversity.  So, when white people enter into a relationship with a non-white person, is there a responsibility to become more aware?  If so, what is the responsibility and how does one become more aware?

Let’s say, with regard to the subject of racism, although being abhorrent to you, you haven’t spent a lot of serious energy understanding it and the affect on cultures that are marginalized by it.  Coming from that cultural perspective, how can you relate to your partner of color that lives that every day?  I believe, in order for an interracial relationship to grow and survive, the white person must become more aware and educated. (Actually, all white people should become more aware and educated, but that is a subject for another article.)  The education we are given in American schools doesn’t adequately provide meaningful knowledge about other cultures, because our education system was developed through a white cultural lens.  The exception to this may be at a university level in cultural studies programs.  As a White person in an interracial relationship with a Native American person, there probably will be some conflict if the white partner only knows what was taught in elementary and high school or through the media, about Native Americans.  The two might approach a holiday like Thanksgiving from different places, right?  American schools pretty much teach a Eurocentric version of that history.  Mentioning Thanksgiving is actually just an easy target for me to single out; it is much more complicated than just negotiating Thanksgiving.

With regard to African Americans, in school we learn a little about slavery and the Civil Rights Movement.  Wow, without lived experience with black people and a deeper understanding and education, how can we, as white partners, understand racism? How can we support our black partners?  We will never understand what it feels like to be black, the pride and joy of being black, or the struggles, just like non-white people don’t really understand what it is like to live as a white person, the good and the bad.

We can do our best though to open our minds and listen.  Seek out cultural learning opportunities.  Become educated on a deeper level about the history of your partner’s culture.  Challenge your previous way of thinking that was only informed by the dominant culture.  None of this means that you lose your own culture or become something you are not.  Sometimes you hear white folks speaking ebonics or such….that’s not what I’m talking about, although I’m not really judging them either.  I’m talking about growing and becoming a better person and partner through your understanding of other cultures in our shared world and within our families.  I’m talking about realizing that your partner’s culture is as important as your own.

Some white people grown up in diverse places with diverse family, extended family, etc.  They grow up possibly bi-cultural, which is great.  If they enter into an interracial relationship with someone that is of a culture that they are more familiar, then all of this may not pertain as much to them.  However, I know many of us that enter interracial relationships/marriages, are living pretty white lives and happen to fall in love with someone of another race/culture.  For us, it is important to step up our cultural game.